The Truth

       Its a new year. The first part of January is when more people make a vow. Vows to stop eating sweets, fatty foods, splurging on cloths, to find a job, to quit an addiction, the find new love, to ....in some way add to their happiness, their lives, their health. Well, this new year finds me letting something go.
       Its been coming on for awhile. Tonight I read a post from Kayce at "My Boy and His Cricket." It confirmed my heart and I knew I had to share it with you. My intent when I started this blog was to reach out and share my story. To be authenic. To show that the road to parenthood can be rough and crooked but still is a road that leads there. There has been some growing here. I have often asked myself? Do I share only happy things, all the minute details that will make people fall asleep? Do I write about my saddness that another year has come and gone? Do I act like I have high hopes, peace in the journey, and am a fountain of energy all the time? 
      Only the truth will do. So, I am starting afresh here. I will write what is really going on. If someone reads it and is blessed then I give the credit to God who is the only One that holds me to this journey. If it is only for me...so be it. I want my babies someday to look back and see an authentic journey. A scrapbook of what really happened.
      Confession. When this last Christmas came and went, the new year came and went. I have struggled. Another year. Another holiday and I'm not a mommy. Why? What else can I do? Well, I don't know those answers. What I do know is that maybe because I am weak, or low in faith, or something else I should be...I have decided not to think about this being THE YEAR. No more hopes, no more using that as an encouragement on the dark days. I cant keep saying to myself, "Well, maybe it will be this year. Maybe I will get the money faster then I thought and I can get it going by March...no...July...no...."
     I have a wonderful family. Supportive and sacrifising. I could not ask for more. I am not asking for more. I have wonderful, supportive, giving, caring friends. You know who you are friends. I thank you for giving of yourself, your time, you love, your energy, your possesions, yourself. I am so thankful for you. However, I wont have an answer when you ask me when I will get my baby. I dont know. I cant say, "Hopefully March, or maybe July" anymore. Honestly, I dont know. Thanks for caring so much to ask.
      This year I am going to just work. I am going to work on me. Work for money for her, on my health, my weight, myself. There is a small dark part of me that wonders if this will ever work. That part of me could write pages and pages of questions, and thoughts. Im too tired for that. I am here. I give it to God. I cant do it anymore.
     So, I am not letting go of a dream. Not letting go of it. But I am going to stop telling myself that it might happen this year. There is still so much more to earn. When I lay it out logically it cant happen in this year. I don't mean to be depressing I just want to record where I am. There is no way to know unless you have done it I guess. 
     So here is my plan, my vow if you will. I will finish the one licensing process. I will keep working and saving. I will try to have hope. I will probably have days where I struggle. Thats ok. I thank each of you for coming with me on this journey....