It is a rather lazy day....I love those. It has been a long time since I have been able to sit down and journal. Really record my thoughts not just snippets of thoughts as they transpire. It is about 1:20 in the afternoon. I just got done with lunch with Marmie and have an appt with B at 2:00. So, I came to the Coffee Perk. I am snuggled up in an overstuffed couch, jazz ripples thru the room and a sugar free mocha is in my hand. The sunshiny afternoon lends itself to taking a deep breath, thinking, being. All things I need to do. Hmmm....this sugar-free mocha sure tastes...sugar free...
Alot has transpired over the past few weeks. Changes. Questions, wonderment and tragedy. Moving forward and standing still. I want God to lead my life. Making decisions can be complicated. Going with my gut, feelings, logic, rationality....what would God want me to do....can all seem contradictory at times.
I have always felt like I am in a long corridor. Blind. No sight at all. My hands,my senses are all I have. It is narrow and I can touch each side of the corridor with my fingertips. As I walk slowly along brushing each side as I go I feel closed doors going by. Sometimes the hall turns gradually, sometimes abruptly. There are doors as I go along. Sometimes they slam sharply in my face and I am left to feel blindly for another opening to move towards. Prayer is my eyes and I ask God to lead me, to open doors, to lead my fingertips to the opening in the corridor so I will turn and walk down His chosen path.
There are times of confusion. When the way I have been following closes in front of me and I am left to feel the walls. Sometimes it takes awhile to find the open door, window but its OK. I always learn something in the waiting. A lot of times I am surprised at the door closing. Sometimes I'm not so much. My prayer is always that God knows that I am a blind, senseless little mouse walking along this maze of life. I trust Him to open the doors and close others.
So, when Kyrgyzstan was closed for so long it felt like the door closed. Kazakhstan opened in front of me. The great unknown. A country I didn't love, a new path. But, I trusted and walked. I fell in love with Kazakhstan, its beautiful countryside, the people, the heritage. For the past few months I felt like I was crawling along. Hardly moving. I was tired, and frustrated. I knew I was supposed to be learning something. Then wham! A wall so unexpected and thick hit me in the face. Kazakhstan is closed. Oh...OK? Really? Then I am standing in a dark hole of a corner feeling around for the edge of a corner, praying for a window or new direction. After a few days there it was...Russia. Wide open it lay in front of me. Simple, predictable, and relatively fast. All words I have learned to be skeptical about as they relate to international adoption. However, there were no other open doors. I prayed for an opening right?
In the meantime, people all around me keep bringing up alternatives, questions. Adoption is my dream,it feels right. Adoption matches my philosophical beliefs and direction. I never ever ever felt like adoption was second best. It is my choice, my first choice. Something I want and dream of. When I started to believe that I could be a single mom it was adoption that I saw. It felt right and I never looked back....
Now, I am still not looking back. It is just the sea seems rather murky right now and not so clear as before. What if? I drive myself crazy with all the what if's. What is Russia closes?What if Kazakhstan opens up again after I complete all the Russian paperwork? What if it takes forever....
So, here I am kneeling on this cold dirt floor, fingernails digging into the soil, tips searching for a change in texture, an opening. Running straight into a brick wall can sure cause a head injury and send you to your knees. Well....maybe that where I need to be all the time...
