Oyster you say? Ya, for those who know me, you know that I don’t eat oysters, or lobsters…or crab…or crustaceans of any kind! But, I made a discovery about myself this week and the best way to explain it is by telling you a story.
When I started this adoption process three years ago there was much I didn’t know. Excusable. In every part of life there are things you simply have to do yourself in order to fully get it. When I first thought about adopting it was hard to imagine. It felt like a dream, a far-off idea, not really possible, you know?
I had a hard time imagining my children in the flesh. I would read adoption blogs, magazines and think “Wow, that is so beautiful!” But when it came to feeling them hand me my child for the first time, I came up short. I would try to picture myself rocking my baby girl to sleep, look down and not be able to picture her face, features, hair color, etc.
As more time passes, and obstacles got bigger and more frequent it became vital that I keep the dream alive. You MUST believe that this process will work and that it will work for you. I struggled for a way to make this real. For a tangible picture to hold onto. Of course I have no idea what my daughter will look like. I want to say up front, that it doesn’t matter really. I don’t mind if she is round or thin, quiet or loud, dark or light. I just had to paint a picture in my mind that I believed would capture the essence of her….so I had something to hold onto. So…I drew that picture.
I started this journey seeking my daughter in Kyrgyzstan. The majority of the children in that country are of Asian ethnicity. I love the Asian culture, the physical features, the food, the dress, the…everything. In my mind my baby girl was born of this country, this culture, these characteristics. The features are soft, blurred, non-exact. They don’t matter really. I will love her no matter what she looks like. But that kind of face became “her” in my heart.
Time passed. I had to switch to Kazakhstan then Russia. Each move represented a potential change in who my daughter would be…where she would come from. It was not until recently that I was struck with the realization that that very picture, idea, impression that had given me so much hope and vision early on, was actually very narrow. I began to think that no other child could be my daughter except one that filled that “picture.” Maybe it was desperation, closed-mindedness, or maybe it is a seed planted long ago from God Himself. Whatever it is, I have found it hard to allow myself to broaden my thoughts, my willingness, my options.
It may sound selfish or silly but if anyone is to be helped/taught by my words…I have to tell you the truth. I have spent many a night asking God what He has for me, who He has for me…whether I am holding into the dream He has or refusing to open my heart to what He is waiting to give me.
This doesn’t just apply to country, ethnicity, race, gender, etc. It has to do with International adoption vs. Foster-to-adopt. Babies vs. toddlers. Girls vs. boys. Who are my children? Who am I to say? At the core of this is why do I want to adopt? Am I doing it for myself, to “save” a child, to look good, to obey God somehow? Each of us (those who are/want to adopt) have to answer this question in the quietness of their own hearts.
The bottom line. I am convicted that I have been holding so tightly to the way I want this to go, the country I want to go to, the child I think I should have….Like an oyster clamped tight shut. Hard shelled and resistant to prying open. “God, I want You to direct me….but I want to go this way please.” If I am honest…I have to say that is what I have been saying without meaning to.
Actually saying “God, You know who I am. You know who you made me to be and why you molded me into the person I am today. I believe that You have a child/children somewhere out there that are meant to be mine. They are the exact children, with the exact needs that you are growing me to fulfill. I am the mommy they need, they are the angels I long for. Wherever they are, whatever they look like, however old they are, whatever challenges they have….I want You to handle it. All of it. no strings attached.” Scary actually. It shouldn’t be if you trust Who you are talking to. I do…my heart, like an oyster is being pried open, slowly, carefully to reveal the pearl, the real plan, inside.
Today? I feel my heart opening. At times I feel like my shell is being broken. If that is what it takes to get to the real plan, the way, the opening in this cloud of sameness…then bring it on. I pray that my heart will open, trust, believe. Because, I know that when that process is complete, the walls of my heart, my fear of it failing, my tiredness, my worry will melt away and reveal what was waiting inside that shell all along….My world. Until that moment when she/they are placed into my arms…God keep working on me…
