Hope. One word that holds infinite significance. With it, a person can run marathons, cure diseases, survive enemy capture, torture and even death...Without it, it may be impossible to live, to take a breathe, to open your eyes and take the next step. A puddle of humanity with all the ability but no light to see. Hope is the air in our lungs, the light in our eyes, the substance of our dreams. If it is taken away it is like extinguishing a light in a brightly lit room. All that is left is empty black space.
How does one live in hope without "getting their hopes too high"? The question echos in my ears and deep places in my heart... As hope starts, it arrives on a soft breathe. Tiny at first then growing like wisps of smoke on the wind it takes hold of your secret places and burns warm within you with promise, with ideas, with "I can...or It may actually happen."
Sometimes it takes hold and lives there, true, honest, simple, for a long time. I am inspired by stories of people who live their whole lives in hope. Believing that something is possible, that they can be who they long to be, do what they believe they were put on this earth to do. Unwavering. These people are rare. Who knows? Maybe even they have moments of doubt, of darkness.
Me? Mommy-hood is one of the only things I know, feel, believe in my heart I was created to do. I know it. Traveling to the spot I am standing on today has been an uneven adventure. A little girl believing she would grow up, get married, have babies, plan picnics, adventures, make memories. Spend my life making a life with the man I would love. I am not disappointed, nor am I upset that that picture differs so greatly from the reality I am today. Yes, there are times when I wish it were different but never am I unhappy with what I have. A flicker of hope lies within me...At times barely a spark but there nonetheless.
Adoption. It is not for the faint of heart. It is not for the weak, the tired, or the doubting. It is not for people who lack courage. However, it is for aware people. For people who look around and see the state of the world we are in and yearn, in the deepest parts of themselves to make a difference in even one life. Adoption is for people who are color blind. Who believe that we all bleed red, all feel pain. Adoption is for people who understand that by changing the life of one child you change the world. It is for people who understand that parents don't have to be perfect. Don't have to have a perfect plan, or understand all aspects of ideal attachment, or "culturally conspicuous families." Adoption is for people who don't mind paper cuts. Adoption is for anyone who can look into the eyes of a child, see deep inside their soul and know that they were born to love and be loved. To be held, believed in, laughed with, cried over, and prayed for. Adoption is for people who know that beyond a shadow of a doubt a child is a child and that being there for them for the rest of their lives no matter what that means is all they need. Adoption is for anyone who can say that, no, they don't have all the answers, but no matter what happens, no matter who their child becomes, they will always be there, always love, always believe in them....that's all it takes. Love. A love that sees no differences, that embraces the beauty in cultures, in slanted eyes or curly black hair. That knows they are yours. As surely as if they were born of your own body. They grew in your heart, not under it...
The past few weeks, months really, I have been wondering if there might be other avenues to adoption. It was brought to my attention that rarely there are infants and young children available through the foster care system. Ready to adopt at birth or shortly thereafter. Yes, this brings with it alot of others things to explore, among them biological parents, will they come back, what happened that caused the child to be taken away, etc. However, a baby in need is a baby. Has God been working with me slowly to open my mind to lead me, stumbling to where He wants me to be? Has He been waiting for me to get to the point where I would listen in order to present an idea I would have rejected three years ago? I don't know. I am COMPLETELY and TOTALLY committed to my Russian adoption journey. I have no plans to back out. I just want to be a mommy. I can honestly say I dont know where my children are but I know they are out there, or will be.
There was a time that I dreamed of adopting siblings from Russia. To keep them together, to share that cultural bond with each other. Finances are ironically prohibitive however and now all I can plan for is one baby. A beautiful gift. A perfect miracle. My house, my home, my heart as room for more then that. Is this other option a possibility also? I dont know....
It was probably six months ago I met randomly with a friend of a friend. She works for the foster care system. She was warm and wonderfully explained the way it works. I chalked it up to "exploring all open doors," and walked on. Confident that I was open and if it ever came back to mean something that I would consider more at that time. Well, she called me last week. After a lengthy conversation I decided to pursue this one step at a time. I will keep you posted!
At the same time, I was presented with a third avenue involving domestic (American) adoption...After multiple phone calls and research I discovered it would cost as much as $37,000....Ummm....no. Already working towards a huge sum thanks! The hope that sprung up inside me, of another option, maybe one that would happen soon....whimpered and was drown. I was tired, numb, wishing I hadn't gotten my hopes up only to have them dashed for what seems the umpteenth time...
All I can say it that Adoption can change at any given moment but it most assuredly will change the way you see the world, the way you see others, the way you see yourself....For planners like me it can give you gray hair, but a warm heart. I know that when finally I can look down on the sleeping faces of my babies I will forget all the pain, the sleepless nights, the paper cuts, and extra jobs. I will forget the dashed hopes, the disappointments. All will dim in the sacred responsibility of being their mommy. In the amazingness that I can wake up in the morning and they will be there. Mine. And that? That is worth all this. Hope. It springs eternal within me. A deep, never changing flame that was lit by God when He created me. Never to die, never to fully be extinguished. There are times when I cant feel its warmth but I know that it is there....God is Hope. He is the Hope that gives me my next breathe and will one day make my own Hope a reality...
