My beautiful daughter, 11-4-08
I know that I have never seen you, have never touched your skin, or breathed in your perfect baby scent. I know that I have never held you in my arms, or cried tears of joy at your smile. I know that you are not home yet. That you may not even be born yet. As sure as I know these things, I also know that I will. The promise of you is as real as the kiss of the sun I feel on my cheeks in the morning and as beautiful as the crimson fall leaves I see out the window.
I never thought that it would be possible. To love someone I have never met so much that it hurts. To want something so deeply that my soul sings with the promise. To believe so fully that something is blessed by God…is my destiny. I have wanted you my whole life. I can’t remember a time when I didn’t long to be a mommy. To wake up with you in the middle of the night, to sooth your tears, to rejoice in your triumphs. To teach you how to cook, to sing, to draw. To share with you all I have learned and learn from your innocence. To see God and the world through your eyes. To protect you from the pain, to share in your disappointments, to give you a chance.
I am amazed that this opportunity exists. That it is somehow possible to have a child, not born of my womb but in my heart. To know beyond all understanding that as surely as I know my own face in a mirror that you will be my daughter, no matter your heritage, no matter the color of your skin or the beautiful slant of your eyes. You will be flesh of my flesh, bone of my bone. That God has given me the most perfect gift…I have done nothing to deserve you. I am not so special, or gifted, or amazing that I should be chosen. Yet, I feel like the luckiest person in the world. To have the honor of you in my life, to give you all that I am…what more can I ask for?
I am excited, thrilled and strangely at peace. I know that our love is anointed by God. That although I wish you were even now in my arms, that in His perfect time, you will be. I pray for patience. That God will make me a good mommy. That He will use this time of waiting to prepare me for the holy responsibility that is you. I miss you though…even though we have never met I feel like I know you. When I see your face it will start a new chapter in my life. One I have waited for all the days before. I pray that God will bless this journey. Open the doors that lead to you…I can’t believe that I get to share this with my mommy. You will love her. She is the best mommy in the world, and my very best friend. No little girl could have a better Nanie. She is waiting for you too. She is the biggest blessing my life and I can’t wait to live our lives with you. I tremble with the knowledge that God has given me this blessing. My heart sings with excitement. Until that day when you are laid in my arms, never to part again, I am waiting. Sometimes impatiently, I will admit, but all the time, anxious to start our lives together. Until that moment…know that I have always and will always love you…
Mommy
