Downtown Wanderings...

       Ever since I was a child I have need to have "being" time. Time to just do nothing. To think to read, to journal. Writing helps me process and clear my head. Since starting down this crooked road of adoption I have found less and less time to "be" but more need for it.

       Questions litter my mind like leaves falling on an autumn day. Filling up the spaces till I cant see the path before me.  What else can I do to make this process faster? How can I work more hours to raise the rest of the funds? What other twist or turn awaits me on the path ahead? If I have learned anything from this road, its that you don't know. You just don't know. You can plan (in fact you must plan), you can hope, you can try to see the way but in the end you don't know how it will work out. I want to impart that to you. If you are in the process of adoption, considering it, etc. Its ok that nothing goes as planned. Its part of the deal. Adoption isn't for wimps! Hold on to the knowledge that that moment of becoming a parent will happen. When it does...all this will cease to matter. Having to change countries three times and wait for finances makes for some interesting obstacles I can tell you that. But its ok.

         Today, I needed to "be." Some time to allow my mind to process, feel, and return to the peace that lies deep in my heart. God has been so good to me...He holds me to the promise of my daughter. I know He will makes it happen.

          Recently I was reminded by a wonderful mom, Catherine http://catherineschatter.blogspot.com/,   that not one single second of my wait was a surprise to God. I find that so comforting...Thanks Catherine.

        These are photos I took while "being." After a nice cup of coffee I just browsed around downtown and snapped a few pictures.

Black and White Wednesday

JeJe (My Niece)

        What is it about the gaze of a child that looks past all the stuff we adults carry around, down into the deepest, purest part of ourselves? Their eyes are innocence, peace, simplicity. Looking into the clear blue eyes of my nieces and nephew centers me. It reminds me of who I am, who I want to be...

       This picture was taken on my recent vacation. JeJe is just over a year old and blooming into a sweet little flower with a mind of her own! I had just called her name and after a few moments of consideration she turned and gave me this look...Ah, adorable.

      If seeing my nieces and nephew's eyes and hearing their little voices makes my heart flutter, and makes my chest feel warm, what is it going to be like to see my daughters eyes and hear her voice say "Mommy...?" I may not survive with the pure joy of it! Russia feels so far away today...

What A Peach...

An Afternoon of Picking Peaches

Bean, What a Big Boy He Is!

JeJe- "Hmmmm, This is really soft, I wonder what it tastes like?"

Sugar Pea devoured an entire peach all by herself!

"I wish I was big like my brother"

They Think We're Just Fishin'...

               Last week I was on a much needed family vacation. Many hours of fun and memories were made. Every evening my brother-in-law would take Bean and sometimes Sugar Pea down to the lake to fish. One evening at sunset I was sitting on the edge of the dock, feet swinging in the cool lake water and I looked up to see these tender scenes. It brought to mind the lyrics of a Trace Atkins song. Precious memories created while doing simple togetherness. Its what life is all about...I cant wait to make life with my daughters while living it. Its nothing amazing or expensive or outrageous that makes you happy. Its the moments spent doing "stuff" while making memories. 
Childhood...what a precious gift.

Sugar Pea and her Daddy

Bean

"I’m lost in her there holdin’ that pink rod and reel
She’s doin’ almost everything but sittin’ still
Talkin’ ‘bout her ballet shoes and training wheels
And her kittens
And she thinks we’re just fishin’

I say, “Daddy loves you, baby” one more time
She says, “I know. I think I got a bite.”
And all this laughin’, cryin, smilin’ dyin’ here inside’s
What I call, livin’

And she thinks we’re just fishin’ on the riverside
Throwin’ back what we could fry
Drownin’ worms and killin’ time
Nothin’ too ambitious
She ain’t even thinkin’ ‘bout
What’s really goin’ on right now
But I guarantee this memory’s a big’in
And she thinks we’re just fishin’

Adoption is for...

      

      Hope. One word that holds infinite significance. With it, a person can run marathons, cure diseases, survive enemy capture, torture and even death...Without it, it may be impossible to live, to take a breathe, to open your eyes and take the next step. A puddle of humanity with all the ability but no light to see. Hope is the air in our lungs, the light in our eyes, the substance of our dreams. If it is taken away it is like extinguishing a light in a brightly lit room. All that is left is empty black space.
      How does one live in hope without "getting their hopes too high"? The question echos in my ears and deep places in my heart... As hope starts, it arrives on a soft breathe. Tiny at first then growing like wisps of smoke on the wind it takes hold of your secret places and burns warm within you with promise, with ideas, with "I can...or It may actually happen."
       Sometimes it takes hold and lives there, true, honest, simple, for a long time. I am inspired by stories of people who live their whole lives in hope. Believing that  something is possible, that they can be who they long to be, do what they believe they were put on this earth to do. Unwavering. These people are rare. Who knows? Maybe even they have moments of doubt, of darkness.
       Me? Mommy-hood is one of the only things I know, feel, believe in my heart I was created to do. I know it. Traveling to the spot I am standing on today has been an uneven adventure. A little girl believing she would grow up, get married, have babies, plan picnics, adventures, make memories. Spend my life making a life with the man I would love.  I am not disappointed, nor am I upset that that picture differs so greatly from the reality I am today. Yes, there are times when I wish it were different but never am I unhappy with what I have. A flicker of hope lies within me...At times barely a spark but there nonetheless.
      Adoption. It is not for the faint of heart. It is not for the weak, the tired, or the doubting. It is not for people who lack courage. However, it is for aware people. For people who look around and see the state of the world we are in and yearn, in the deepest parts of themselves to make a difference in even one life. Adoption is for people who are color blind. Who believe that we all bleed red, all feel pain. Adoption is for people who understand that by changing the life of one child you change the world. It is for people who understand that parents don't have to be perfect. Don't have to have a perfect plan, or understand all aspects of ideal attachment, or "culturally conspicuous families." Adoption is for people who don't mind paper cuts. Adoption is for anyone who can look into the eyes of a child, see deep inside their soul and know that they were born to love and be loved. To be held, believed in, laughed with, cried over, and prayed for. Adoption is for people who know that beyond a shadow of a doubt a child is a child and that being there for them for the rest of their lives no matter what that means is all they need. Adoption is for anyone who can say that, no, they don't have all the answers, but no matter what happens, no matter who their child becomes, they will always be there, always love, always believe in them....that's all it takes. Love. A love that sees no differences, that embraces the beauty in cultures, in slanted eyes or curly black hair. That knows they are yours. As surely as if they were born of your own body. They grew in your heart, not under it...

        The past few weeks, months really, I have been wondering if there might be other avenues to adoption. It was brought to my attention that rarely there are infants and young children available through the foster care system. Ready to adopt at birth or shortly thereafter. Yes, this brings with it alot of others things to explore, among them biological parents, will they come back, what happened that caused the child to be taken away, etc. However, a baby in need is a baby. Has God been working with me slowly to open my mind to lead me, stumbling to where He wants me to be? Has He been waiting for me to get to the point where I would listen in order to present an idea I would have rejected three years ago? I don't know. I am COMPLETELY and TOTALLY committed to my Russian adoption journey. I have no plans to back out. I just want to be a mommy. I can honestly say I dont know where my children are but I know they are out there, or will be.

        There was a time that I dreamed of adopting siblings from Russia. To keep them together, to share that cultural bond with each other. Finances are ironically prohibitive however and now all I can plan for is one baby. A beautiful gift. A perfect miracle. My house, my home, my heart as room for more then that. Is this other option a possibility also? I dont know....

       It was probably six months ago I met randomly with a friend of a friend. She works for the foster care system. She was warm and wonderfully explained the way it works. I chalked it up to "exploring all open doors," and walked on. Confident that I was open and if it ever came back to mean something that I would consider more at that time. Well, she called me last week. After a lengthy conversation I decided to pursue this one step at a time. I will keep you posted!

       At the same time, I was presented with a third avenue involving domestic (American) adoption...After multiple phone calls and research I discovered it would cost as much as $37,000....Ummm....no. Already working towards a huge sum thanks! The hope that sprung up inside me, of another option, maybe one that would happen soon....whimpered and was drown. I was tired, numb, wishing I hadn't gotten my hopes up only to have them dashed for what seems the umpteenth time...

       All I can say it that Adoption can change at any given moment but it most assuredly will change the way you see the world, the way you see others, the way you see yourself....For planners like me it can give you gray hair, but a warm heart. I know that when finally I can look down on the sleeping faces of my babies I will forget all the pain, the sleepless nights, the paper cuts, and extra jobs. I will forget the dashed hopes, the disappointments. All will dim in the sacred responsibility of being their mommy. In the amazingness that I can wake up in the morning and they will be there. Mine. And that? That is worth all this. Hope. It springs eternal within me. A deep, never changing flame that was lit by God when He created me. Never to die, never to fully be extinguished. There are times when I cant feel its warmth but I know that it is there....God is Hope. He is the Hope that gives me my next breathe and will one day make my own  Hope a reality...

    

Deep Love...

Perhaps it will seem to you that the sunshine is brighter and that everything has a new charm. At least, I believe this is always the result of a deep love, and that is a beautiful thing... *Vincent Van Gogh*

Used Stuff, Angels, Yard Sales and Miracles....

       For all the struggles and pain, my life is truly blessed. On those days I ask "Why" or wonder what is going on I must remember how I have been blessed. I never want to be someone who whines because they done have what they think they want when in their hands lies everything they need...
     Adopting a child takes a village. It really does. A group of people who love, understand, support, encourage, console, and motivate. This was never more clearly illustrated then by the friends and family in my life last fall. As you know, money is the only real need left...only thing standing between me and mommy-hood. As disgusting as that may be it is a reality. For the past few years God has provided me with consistently two-three jobs at a time. Full time ICU nurse, part time nursing tutor and part time charge nurse at a local rehab center. Busy. Yes, that is an understatement. But its OK. Its worth every moment. Well since there are only 24 hrs in a day and one must sleep sometime right? The quandary still remains as to how to raise the remaining funds.
      Last Fall, born of a simple idea from a friend, a miracle took place. What do people do when they are trying to raise money? Well, they have a bake sale, yard sale, or car wash, right? No one could have prepared me for the amazing result of a little idea. Lets have a yard sale...a GIANT yard sale. Lets ask everyone I know...no make that everyone that I know and everyone that they know to donate items to the cause. We will sell whatever we get and put the proceeds towards bringing Hope home. OK. Sounds good. This idea was taken up into the hearts of those that I love, those that I care about, and even those that I hardly know. It blossomed into a giant outpouring of love, of hope.
       It took over a month to plan, organize and gather items. I put up fliers at all my jobs, put an AD in out local paper and by word of mouth told everyone I met!
                  My fear at first was that we wouldn't have very much to sell. That we would maybe have a few tables, a few discarded items to try and make a profit on...Oh me of little faith....Nothing could have prepared me for what would happen.

     I made huge posters to let everyone know what it was all about! A friend of mine, and a FABULOUS local photographer, www.kimberlyink.com, donated a wonderful package of pictures to be raffled off. A friend of mine donated multiple massage sessions, www.indulgencemassage.webstarts.com! Everywhere I went I had a roll of tickets to sell! Well, remember when I said I was worried no one would donate? Check this out!!!!!

We filled an entire garage in a matter of days!!!!!!!

         I could spend hours telling you about all the amazing people who helped me. Literally came out of the woodwork and gave their stuff, their time, their vehicles, their energy, and their support. My Friend" D" let me use her wonderful truck to haul tables for things to set on!My Dearest "N" was amazing. She woke up early each morning, came with coffee and a smile. Her enthusiasm, belief and help really made this possible. She and "A" and my dear Marmie and sister spent literally hours sorting, pricing, hauling, etc. There were so many others. My other friend "D" lived close by and made lunch for all of us the day of the sale! Yummy! Another dear friend let me have the sale in her yard, let me store alllllllll the stuff in her garage and basically take it all over for a month!  "M" helped the day of the sale and she spent much time pricing. A girl I work with occasionally donated her entire basements worth of stuff she was saving for her own yard sale, helped me haul it there and bought me lunch afterwords! WOW!

My dearest friend "A" helped me load and haul tables, spent hours and hours and hours helping organize, price, haul, unload, and sell everything. Her Mom, who was visiting for the weekend even came and helped!

                   There were too many to name. Folks from both my work places bought tickets, and helped organize donations. One of my dearest friends "B" lives about 45min away. She believes so deeply in me and my dreams that she and her new husband donated a truck load and a trailer load of really nice quality items, furniture, etc. Even brought it to me and helped unload it....Old friends, friends of people I didn't even know gave. Some gave a little, some alot. I was and am humbled by their generosity...
                    The morning of the sale, We put up signs and balloons to point the way, came back, uncovered everything, and waited....For a short, brief few minutes We had a sinking feeling. It was 0700 and not a soul to be seen. Marmie, my sister, "A" and "N" all stood looking at each other. All I could think of was "OK...God brought all these things to be sold, surly He will bring people to buy them! We prayed and stood still....waiting. Again, a lesson in faith. God will provide. The flood gates opened and we had hundreds of people steadily all day. It was really a miracle.

       Every little thing counted. One donation wasn't better then another, one more or less. Every little item, every dollar, every penny adds up. I am equally grateful for everyone's contribution. The sale went better then I could have dreamed. I learned some valuable lessons. When God blesses something, it is REALLY blessed. That people want to help and can surprise, touch, and humble me. That I am surrounded with the best group of friends I could ask for. That When Hope comes home she will have alot of love from alot of people who helped her get here. God provided way more then I had hoped and we were able to put a dent in the remaining amount.
           While thousands remain, I was touched, my faith was boosted, and my relationships grew stronger thru this experience. I share it with you so that you can know that God will provide. Yes, I know There is much more that I must raise but I use this experience to encourage me. 
            I was feeling rather tired today....kinda discouraged. I decided to go back and retrieve this lesson, this memory to remind myself that God will provide. Thanks to all who gave, who helped, who prayed, who believe....My heart of full of your support and love....