The Death of a Dream....Or a New Beginning?

             How many of you like lists? Some of you? Well, I must admit that I do. They are practical, organized, time-saving. Checking things off gives me a sense of accomplishment. I will even confess to occasionally adding something to my list just to check it off...pathetic, I know :-) However, I have not always been able to say such a thing. In fact, when I was a child the word "List" made me quiver. It went against my freedom-loving spirit making me feel bound, constricted. Chained to the words, "To Do."

             Now maybe its to the credit of my amazing Marmie, who makes lists look like an art form, or maybe its my growing up to be an ICU nurse. Where, if you don't have an ever changing list you cant survive let alone save the lives of those in your care. I'd like to say it was maturity that made me like them, but I think it was the gradual realization that while I may never love them they are an effective tool to use.

           Well, now that that is out of the way, Adoption is a giant list of "To Do's."  In the beginning its a lined piece of notebook paper with agency names jotted down as you discover them online. Later it the list of references you have called and phone numbers left to try. Over time, it morphs into what will finally become the list of dossier documents that stand, neatly stacked, in between you and your child. While some of you have been/might be freaked out by this list, I celebrated the day it arrived. It was something tangible that I could do. The concept to finding a baby on the other side of the world and one day holding her in my arms seemed so abstract, so distant. Paper on the other hand is something I am familiar with. Paper is an old friend of mine. Having earned two college degrees and toying with the idea of getting my masters one day, paper and I have spent alot of quality time together.

Portions of my Dossier

              Each item, however entailed, when completed made my heart fill with joy. "One paper closer" has been my mantra from the beginning. It made even the smallest item on my list seem like the highest accomplishment. So, it has been with a sense of deep satisfaction that I have spent the past few months. My dossier sitting safety in the hands of my adoption agency. Apostilled, notarized, complete. It was the second full dossier I have completed as Kazakhstan closed and I had to redo my dosser with Russia (See"Playing Catch Up- Part Two".   With finances being the remaining hurdle I would comfort myself on 15 hour work days that at least my dosser is done for now! I knew that as time passed their would be a gradually growing stack of documents needed to be renewed. Each item in a dossier has an expiration date. Some last three months, some six, other 12.

             So....Two nights ago when I got home after a 14 hour day as a charge nurse in the ICU, and opened up an email with the following, I kinda went numb. It said that the majority of my dossier documents were expired and asked, kindly, if I wanted them disposed of or returned to me. Disposed of? Huh? I might bronze that stack of papers? What do you mean disposed of? That would be like casually discarding a nugget of gold. 

          Further research revealed that all but my Immigration Forms and my Home Study are no longer useable. OK.  Rational people would now raise the question "Did you not know they would expire? What did you think would happen? Of course you would need to renew them. Why are you so devastated when you knew it was a matter of time?" Maybe it was the fact that I had been concentrating so hard on the fund raising. Maybe it was honest avoidance due to fatigue bordering on exhaustion. Maybe I had pushed it in the back of my mind because the thought of re-doing them for the fifth or sixth time was too much for me. Whatever it was, I can honestly admit I was shell-shocked.

         Once again I took out my "List" and gazed on all the neatly checked off boxes. Worthless. Honesty being the only way to really prove valuable, I admit all of this to you. You may think that I am silly but my soul took it like a blow the the stomach. I felt like I am back at square one. No paperwork, not enough money. What has all of this been for?

        I tell you all of this only with the intent to say that the road to adoption is indeed crooked....You never know which way it will turn tomorrow. I am not complaining. After many conversations with my agency, the documents will arrive safely back in my hands to possibly use as future reference. I stand back on square one....but at least I am standing. I choose to believe that this is a fresh start. A new beginning. There MUST be a reason why these events have occurred. Again, I am forced to ask myself, "Do you trust in God's leading? Really? Are you just saying you trust or do you feel it in your soul?"

         So. This is where I stand tonight. At a blind corner. My faith is once again tested and I am choosing to believe. I am choosing to stand and walk on. I will redo each and ever one of those expired papers. Granted, I will wait for a little while but I will redo them. The dream of adoption is not a fantasy. It is a dream with aches and growing pains and beautiful flowers of possibility. The road lies ahead and only God knows which way it will turn. All I know it that at the end of this crooked road is my daughter....and even climbing Mt. Everest would seem insignificant to the moment I look into her eyes for the first time...

Downtown Wanderings...

       Ever since I was a child I have need to have "being" time. Time to just do nothing. To think to read, to journal. Writing helps me process and clear my head. Since starting down this crooked road of adoption I have found less and less time to "be" but more need for it.

       Questions litter my mind like leaves falling on an autumn day. Filling up the spaces till I cant see the path before me.  What else can I do to make this process faster? How can I work more hours to raise the rest of the funds? What other twist or turn awaits me on the path ahead? If I have learned anything from this road, its that you don't know. You just don't know. You can plan (in fact you must plan), you can hope, you can try to see the way but in the end you don't know how it will work out. I want to impart that to you. If you are in the process of adoption, considering it, etc. Its ok that nothing goes as planned. Its part of the deal. Adoption isn't for wimps! Hold on to the knowledge that that moment of becoming a parent will happen. When it does...all this will cease to matter. Having to change countries three times and wait for finances makes for some interesting obstacles I can tell you that. But its ok.

         Today, I needed to "be." Some time to allow my mind to process, feel, and return to the peace that lies deep in my heart. God has been so good to me...He holds me to the promise of my daughter. I know He will makes it happen.

          Recently I was reminded by a wonderful mom, Catherine http://catherineschatter.blogspot.com/,   that not one single second of my wait was a surprise to God. I find that so comforting...Thanks Catherine.

        These are photos I took while "being." After a nice cup of coffee I just browsed around downtown and snapped a few pictures.

Black and White Wednesday

JeJe (My Niece)

        What is it about the gaze of a child that looks past all the stuff we adults carry around, down into the deepest, purest part of ourselves? Their eyes are innocence, peace, simplicity. Looking into the clear blue eyes of my nieces and nephew centers me. It reminds me of who I am, who I want to be...

       This picture was taken on my recent vacation. JeJe is just over a year old and blooming into a sweet little flower with a mind of her own! I had just called her name and after a few moments of consideration she turned and gave me this look...Ah, adorable.

      If seeing my nieces and nephew's eyes and hearing their little voices makes my heart flutter, and makes my chest feel warm, what is it going to be like to see my daughters eyes and hear her voice say "Mommy...?" I may not survive with the pure joy of it! Russia feels so far away today...

What A Peach...

An Afternoon of Picking Peaches

Bean, What a Big Boy He Is!

JeJe- "Hmmmm, This is really soft, I wonder what it tastes like?"

Sugar Pea devoured an entire peach all by herself!

"I wish I was big like my brother"

They Think We're Just Fishin'...

               Last week I was on a much needed family vacation. Many hours of fun and memories were made. Every evening my brother-in-law would take Bean and sometimes Sugar Pea down to the lake to fish. One evening at sunset I was sitting on the edge of the dock, feet swinging in the cool lake water and I looked up to see these tender scenes. It brought to mind the lyrics of a Trace Atkins song. Precious memories created while doing simple togetherness. Its what life is all about...I cant wait to make life with my daughters while living it. Its nothing amazing or expensive or outrageous that makes you happy. Its the moments spent doing "stuff" while making memories. 
Childhood...what a precious gift.

Sugar Pea and her Daddy

Bean

"I’m lost in her there holdin’ that pink rod and reel
She’s doin’ almost everything but sittin’ still
Talkin’ ‘bout her ballet shoes and training wheels
And her kittens
And she thinks we’re just fishin’

I say, “Daddy loves you, baby” one more time
She says, “I know. I think I got a bite.”
And all this laughin’, cryin, smilin’ dyin’ here inside’s
What I call, livin’

And she thinks we’re just fishin’ on the riverside
Throwin’ back what we could fry
Drownin’ worms and killin’ time
Nothin’ too ambitious
She ain’t even thinkin’ ‘bout
What’s really goin’ on right now
But I guarantee this memory’s a big’in
And she thinks we’re just fishin’

Adoption is for...

      

      Hope. One word that holds infinite significance. With it, a person can run marathons, cure diseases, survive enemy capture, torture and even death...Without it, it may be impossible to live, to take a breathe, to open your eyes and take the next step. A puddle of humanity with all the ability but no light to see. Hope is the air in our lungs, the light in our eyes, the substance of our dreams. If it is taken away it is like extinguishing a light in a brightly lit room. All that is left is empty black space.
      How does one live in hope without "getting their hopes too high"? The question echos in my ears and deep places in my heart... As hope starts, it arrives on a soft breathe. Tiny at first then growing like wisps of smoke on the wind it takes hold of your secret places and burns warm within you with promise, with ideas, with "I can...or It may actually happen."
       Sometimes it takes hold and lives there, true, honest, simple, for a long time. I am inspired by stories of people who live their whole lives in hope. Believing that  something is possible, that they can be who they long to be, do what they believe they were put on this earth to do. Unwavering. These people are rare. Who knows? Maybe even they have moments of doubt, of darkness.
       Me? Mommy-hood is one of the only things I know, feel, believe in my heart I was created to do. I know it. Traveling to the spot I am standing on today has been an uneven adventure. A little girl believing she would grow up, get married, have babies, plan picnics, adventures, make memories. Spend my life making a life with the man I would love.  I am not disappointed, nor am I upset that that picture differs so greatly from the reality I am today. Yes, there are times when I wish it were different but never am I unhappy with what I have. A flicker of hope lies within me...At times barely a spark but there nonetheless.
      Adoption. It is not for the faint of heart. It is not for the weak, the tired, or the doubting. It is not for people who lack courage. However, it is for aware people. For people who look around and see the state of the world we are in and yearn, in the deepest parts of themselves to make a difference in even one life. Adoption is for people who are color blind. Who believe that we all bleed red, all feel pain. Adoption is for people who understand that by changing the life of one child you change the world. It is for people who understand that parents don't have to be perfect. Don't have to have a perfect plan, or understand all aspects of ideal attachment, or "culturally conspicuous families." Adoption is for people who don't mind paper cuts. Adoption is for anyone who can look into the eyes of a child, see deep inside their soul and know that they were born to love and be loved. To be held, believed in, laughed with, cried over, and prayed for. Adoption is for people who know that beyond a shadow of a doubt a child is a child and that being there for them for the rest of their lives no matter what that means is all they need. Adoption is for anyone who can say that, no, they don't have all the answers, but no matter what happens, no matter who their child becomes, they will always be there, always love, always believe in them....that's all it takes. Love. A love that sees no differences, that embraces the beauty in cultures, in slanted eyes or curly black hair. That knows they are yours. As surely as if they were born of your own body. They grew in your heart, not under it...

        The past few weeks, months really, I have been wondering if there might be other avenues to adoption. It was brought to my attention that rarely there are infants and young children available through the foster care system. Ready to adopt at birth or shortly thereafter. Yes, this brings with it alot of others things to explore, among them biological parents, will they come back, what happened that caused the child to be taken away, etc. However, a baby in need is a baby. Has God been working with me slowly to open my mind to lead me, stumbling to where He wants me to be? Has He been waiting for me to get to the point where I would listen in order to present an idea I would have rejected three years ago? I don't know. I am COMPLETELY and TOTALLY committed to my Russian adoption journey. I have no plans to back out. I just want to be a mommy. I can honestly say I dont know where my children are but I know they are out there, or will be.

        There was a time that I dreamed of adopting siblings from Russia. To keep them together, to share that cultural bond with each other. Finances are ironically prohibitive however and now all I can plan for is one baby. A beautiful gift. A perfect miracle. My house, my home, my heart as room for more then that. Is this other option a possibility also? I dont know....

       It was probably six months ago I met randomly with a friend of a friend. She works for the foster care system. She was warm and wonderfully explained the way it works. I chalked it up to "exploring all open doors," and walked on. Confident that I was open and if it ever came back to mean something that I would consider more at that time. Well, she called me last week. After a lengthy conversation I decided to pursue this one step at a time. I will keep you posted!

       At the same time, I was presented with a third avenue involving domestic (American) adoption...After multiple phone calls and research I discovered it would cost as much as $37,000....Ummm....no. Already working towards a huge sum thanks! The hope that sprung up inside me, of another option, maybe one that would happen soon....whimpered and was drown. I was tired, numb, wishing I hadn't gotten my hopes up only to have them dashed for what seems the umpteenth time...

       All I can say it that Adoption can change at any given moment but it most assuredly will change the way you see the world, the way you see others, the way you see yourself....For planners like me it can give you gray hair, but a warm heart. I know that when finally I can look down on the sleeping faces of my babies I will forget all the pain, the sleepless nights, the paper cuts, and extra jobs. I will forget the dashed hopes, the disappointments. All will dim in the sacred responsibility of being their mommy. In the amazingness that I can wake up in the morning and they will be there. Mine. And that? That is worth all this. Hope. It springs eternal within me. A deep, never changing flame that was lit by God when He created me. Never to die, never to fully be extinguished. There are times when I cant feel its warmth but I know that it is there....God is Hope. He is the Hope that gives me my next breathe and will one day make my own  Hope a reality...

    

Deep Love...

Perhaps it will seem to you that the sunshine is brighter and that everything has a new charm. At least, I believe this is always the result of a deep love, and that is a beautiful thing... *Vincent Van Gogh*